The View From Here

Spring has sprung.  Do you feel it?

My street...my hills.

My yard

Goodbye boots.  Hello cute flowered flats in green grass.

Goodbye rain. Hello playtime outdoors!

My daily drive.

The Bay Area is breathtaking in springtime!

Fashion Forward?

I've been thinking a lot about my wardrobe lately.  Shallow?  Maybe.  But clothing is necessary and I'm sort of going through a "metamorphosis" at the moment and my clothes have been a part of it.  Since January 1 I have lost 16 pounds (and have 10-15 more to go before I'm at my goal.)  Two pregnancies, being a stay at home mom who's too close to the pantry, and an overall "meh" attitude toward exercise for the majority of my life have not been kind to my figure.  I have clothes that range in size from 2 to 12.  Some are new with tags, some are ten years old.  Some are well worn and loved.  Some are "one time" pieces that may or may not be worn again.  As I look through my closet one thing is very clear...I have no specific "style" but I'm also not a slave to trends.  My wardrobe is functional, but definitely not on the cutting edge of fashion.

In high school I was all about the sheer volume of my closet.  I'm not exaggerating when I confess that I had enough clothes that I didn't repeat any single item from the start of school in September until at least Thanksgiving.  I had green rubber shoes.  I had purple jeans.  And more earrings than the sale rack at Claire's.  I also had a spiral perm, big ol' bangs, and occasionally matched my eye makeup to my outfits.  Oh yeah, baby.  This was the 80's!

I've never been too big on brand names and have always enjoyed the "thrill of the hunt" for "good deals" at places like TJ Maxx and Marshall's.  Department stores still somewhat intimidate me, but I do love a good outlet mall.  As I survey what is currently filling my closet, I see that probably 50% of my wardrobe is from Gap (or more likely, Gap outlet.)  I have a few items from Anthropologie, a handful of basics from Target, and a bit of Limited and Nordstrom for good measure.  But it's really just a hodge podge...and that's OK.  As for shoes, I'm a bit more picky due to foot problems, but I don't buy (what I consider) expensive shoes unless they're on sale.  In San Diego I lived in wedge sandals and flip flops, but unfortunately NorCal requires more "sensible" shoes due to the weather.  I've learned that boots can be fun, too!

I periodically read fashion blogs looking for inspiration...and I'm most impressed with "normal" women who make the most of what they already have by accessorizing with a new accessory or two as opposed to women (trophy wives?) who purchase brand new brand name wardrobes every season.  Even if I had an unlimited clothing budget I don't think I'd feel comfortable dropping thousands of dollars on clothing four times a year when I know that I'll only want new trendy items in a few months.  It just seems silly.  The writer of one blog I used to read (I don't any more because it just got nauseating) admitted that she owned over 60 bathing suits and 20 Juicy Couture track suits.  Another woman just recently bought 5 pairs of the same exact $200 jeans.  Another writer purchases a new Louis Vuitton handbag (about $1000) every season.  Really?  When there are people who have nothing?

As a stay at home mom I have no need for a closet full of cocktail dresses and stilletos...jeans and t-shirts are more my speed.  I may not be fashion forward, but I'm not necessarily frumpy either.  Women like me exist.  Women who like to look cute but don't plan their lives around the seasonal shifts of their wardrobes.  At 38, my days of low rise jeans are over, but I won't be buying "Not Your Daughter's Jeans" anytime soon either.

How has your style evolved over time?

So No One's Left Hanging...

Soren's evaluation at Stanford went really well.  We were relieved that he is not on the autism spectrum although he does have a variety of  developmental delays.  He will continue to receive speech and occupational therapy twice a week through our school district's Early Start program.  He is enjoying his therapy and has already made significant progress so we are hopeful that he will soon be developmentally on par.  Per the Stanford team's request, Soren will have a thorough audiological exam in the next couple of weeks.  He appears to be hearing just fine but they suggested that he be tested just to make sure his hearing is what it should be.  We'll take Soren back to Stanford for a follow up in October and re-assess him, as autism symptoms oftentimes crop up between 18 and 24 months.  But for now, we are thrilled and hopeful that he'll catch up with his peers soon!

Becoming A Sister Again

This is such a crazy story with God's fingerprints all over it and I really don't even know where to begin, so I guess I'll back up to the beginning.  May 19, 1972, to be exact.

Well, now that I truly think about it, the story begins even farther back than the night of my birth.  For Vicky, my birth mom, it begins nine months prior to that.  As for my parents?  Their longing for a child began as the ink on their marriage certificate dried in the fall of 1969.

Mom and Dad knew that they wanted a family from the start.  My Mom is the oldest of six kids and assumed she'd have a large family herself, when the time came.  If I'm remembering correctly, at one point she told me she wanted to have ten kids.  Let's just say that I am beyond relieved to not have nine younger siblings.

My parents were not conceiving as quickly as they would have liked.  Apparently, my mom's doctor (a GP, not an OB/GYN in the Los Angeles area--where my parents were living at the time) was also their friend and knew of their heartache and desire for a baby.  Thinking that having a biological child was possibly not in the picture for them, my parents began the process to adopt an older child through the foster system...right around the time my 19 year old birth mother found herself pregnant.  Mom and Dad told their friend, Dr. Anderson, of their plans to adopt a waiting older child.  He had a check in his heart about pursuing this type of adoption, and he told them so.

An unmarried college student, Vicky didn't feel that she was ready to parent a child so she let her concerns be known to her doctor.  Obviously, I don't know exactly what was said in Dr. Anderson's office, yet I do know that he clearly cared about Vicky and her unborn child.

On the night I was born Mom was listening to a Dodger game that was in extra innings on her bedside radio.  Dad was working the night shift at the aerospace company he would ultimately be employed at for 26 years.  When the phone rang later than usual, Mom must have assumed that it could only be a bearer of bad news on the other end.  Instead, it was Dr. Anderson, ready to tell my parents of a wonderful gift they would soon receive.

"I'm about to deliver a baby tonight and she needs a home.  Do you want her?" he asked.  My Mom replied with a resounding "Yes!" and then called my Dad to tell him the most unexpected news they'd ever heard.

These days doctors have no input in adoptions, but back then I guess they did.  Or, if they didn't, God simply used Dr. Anderson as part of his plan to create the Speelman family.  My parents had a whopping two days to gather baby gear and prepare to become parents.  Gratefully, both of my Mom's sisters had recently had babies so they were able to gather hand-me-downs from them.  When my parents came to get me at the hospital they were unable to see Vicky, but my Mom said she glimpsed her from the hallway outside her room.  Overwhelming gratitude filled Mom's heart for this selfless woman who was willing to give her--a woman she never knew--a huge part of her life, her baby.  The adoption was a closed case and became official a few months later.

As many adoption and infertility stories go, my parents conceived my brother nine months after I was born.  Once Kevin arrived in November of 1973 the plan to parent ten kids went out the window.

I never didn't know that I was adopted.  For as long as I can remember I've always been aware that another woman who I didn't call "Mom" had carried me inside her womb and chose to give me life.  I've always known her name and a bit of her background, as it was reflected on my original pre-adoption birth certificate that my parents still have in safe keeping.

Growing up I never had any "longing" to find my birth mother, as many adopted children do.  I, like my parents, have always felt great respect and gratitude for Vicky, but I never experienced any aching or emptiness that caused me to feel that I needed to find her.  My parents were (and still are) wonderful parents. They raised me well and in a loving, stable home.  What more could I need?

As I approached adulthood and began to more fully appreciate the depth of Vicky's sacrifice, I found myself thinking of her more often...usually right around my birthday.  One specific instance is very vivid in my mind.  Right around the time of my 30th birthday in 2002 I had an overwhelming burden to pray for her that lasted for about two months.  Clearly, God desired extra prayers on Vicky's behalf and I was happy to offer them.  Once that call to prayer was lifted I didn't think of her as often, or longingly wonder how her life had transpired.

Fast forward to October 31, 2010.  I received a message on Facebook from a woman who claimed to be my biological half-sister.  Since it was Halloween, my first reaction was that someone was playing a trick on me...and that there was no "treat" in sight.  I read and re-read the message and realized a few things:  1) This person knew way too much about my birth mother, and 2) way too much about me for the message to be a joke.  Todd read it, we discussed it, and then I poked around her profile a bit and found pictures and background information that just about knocked me off my chair.  I replied to the message and we began a Facebook friendship that quickly evolved into a real friendship, as it was clear that Elaina and I were kindred spirits.

My first and most pressing questions for Elaina were "How did you find me?" and "How long have you known about me?"  As it turns out, Vicky had told her about me when she was a teenager during their "birds and bees" conversation.  And thanks to this crazy ol' world wide web, Vicky, with the help of Elaina's aunt,  found me through my blog!  Cyberspace is a small place!

Through Elaina I learned that Vicky went on to live a happy, productive life after I was born.  From working as a counselor at a Crisis Pregnancy Center I have seen firsthand how teenage pregnancy can "derail" a person's life, and I was so thrilled to hear that Vicky's life was good and full.  Although it wasn't God's plan that Vicky and I live our lives together as mother and daughter, He did see fit that we lived much of our lives less than two miles away from each other in the same city in Orange County.

"But didn't this all take place in Los Angeles?" you might ask.  Yes and no.  When I was 11 years old my family moved from the LA area to Mission Viejo due to a job re-location for my Dad.  After Vicky got married a few years after I was born she and her husband also moved to Mission Viejo.  They established their family there...on a quiet street about a mile from the street that I grew up on.  The street that Vicky's family lived on was directly above the church I attended in childhood and throughout college.  Their house literally had a view of the church that I spent countless hours at every single week.  I think it's utterly amazing that my birth mother very likely saw me driving too fast in the church parking lot or pushing a preschooler in the swing on the playground.  I can only imagine that we passed each other in the mall and sat at nearby booths in a restaurant.  Mission Viejo is a relatively sleepy suburb and our "circles" certainly intertwined without us knowing it.

So as Elaina and I got to know each other better through email and Facebook it was only fitting that we should meet.  Knowing that Todd and the boys and I would be coming down to visit my parents and have fun at Disneyland, the timing worked perfectly that we should meet that weekend.

When I walked into Mimi's Cafe in Laguna Niguel last Saturday morning and saw my sister for the first time it was as if I had always known, and loved, her.  Our conversation was so natural and meaningful.  We have much more in common than our genes and I am so anxious to explore this new realm of sisterhood further.

Vicky and her husband no longer live in Mission Viejo.  A few years ago they moved out to the desert...a place that Todd and the boys and I frequently escape to for R and R.  Maybe one of the "subliminal" reasons I enjoy the desert so much is because I have family there.  Family that I hope to someday meet, thank and embrace.

Spring Getaway

We took a quick trip down to SoCal last week and had a great time.  The boys had a blast at Disneyland and California Adventure and Nolan was a great "tour guide" for Soren, as it was Soren's first time!  Soren had very little visible emotion the entire time because he was just in awe of everything.  He loved the rides, the characters, the yummy treats, and even did well standing in line!  This was Nolan's first Disney trip where he walked the entire time.  We got rid of our double stroller a few months back since he's now 45 pounds and no longer fit in it very well.  Nolan never complained or asked to be carried until we had been there for over nine hours.  We were so proud of our little trooper!

Playing peek-a-boo with Mickey was a big hit!

Nolan really wanted to hear all of Buzz's noises when pressing the buttons!

Shooting stuff on the Buzz Lightyear ride

Playing the harp in Mickey's house

Cutest Mouseketeer ever!

I love that Nolan wears his ears (and almost every other hat he owns--which are many!) cock-eyed!

Smiling eyes on the rocket ride!

End of the day retail therapy...aliens and a Woody hat made their way home with us!

Besides all the Disney goodness, we had fun at my parent's house and visiting other friends and family members.  As a matter I fact, I was able to meet the sister I never knew I had (until last fall) for the very first time!  And that's a story you won't want to miss.  I'll write more SOON!  Promise!

Autism And Parenthood

One of my favorite TV shows is Parenthood.  NBC really hit a home run with this show, I would argue.  One of the storylines is about a family with a nine year old boy with Asperger's syndrome--a form of high functioning autism.  Max, the boy with Asperger's, doesn't know he has Asperger's or that Asperger's is a form of autism.  On next week's episode (Tuesday night, 10 pm) he will learn that he is autistic, and I'm so curious how this sensitive issue will be portrayed.

In Max's mind he's just a normal kid with normal interests.  In his world it's normal to have a behavior coach help you throughout the day.  It's normal to have specific likes and dislikes and a rigid, predictable schedule.  He's unaware that other kids (primarily his cousins) have friends and attend school in a typical classroom.  Granted, my Nolan is only four, but I wonder if he knows that he is different from other children his age.  He doesn't know what autism is, nor do I expect him to, but I wonder if he ever senses the differences between him and neurotypical kids.  As much as I want him to be around normal kids, and fit in, and have friends who are not on the spectrum, it is truly painful for me to watch him around other children who are not autistic.  When he's with his friends from school it is so clear to me that he is high functioning and can "make it" in the world.  He stands out among them and I am so proud of him.  But when he's around neurotypical kids the differences glare at me and I wonder if he is headed for a life of loneliness.

Nolan is a wonderful, loving, perfectly formed little boy...and I just want other kids to know it!  I want Nolan to be able to make lifelong friends.  I want him to desire relationships.  I want him to know how to appropriately interact with people.  He is only four years old and has made huge progress in the last year, but I just wonder what his life will look like in five, ten, twenty years.  Regardless of what Nolan's life looks like right now or what it will be in the future I need to surrender my dreams to the Lord and trust that His plan is perfect for Nolan.  It's a constant relinquishing of my will to His, and to be blunt, I really suck at it.

Brokenhearted X 2

My sweet Nolan.  I love this boy so much.  I love how he is growing and changing daily.  He is becoming more aware of his emotions and I witnessed his tender, fragile heart this morning.

Yesterday was one of his friends last day at school.  E's family is moving to Texas tomorrow.  This morning Nolan sat at the breakfast table with big crocodile tears streaming down his face.  "E is gone.  E goes to Texas.  E comes back on Sunday?"  It then progressed to "D in Virginia.  B is in Kindergarten.  No more N on bus."  He proceeded to name and lament each one of the children who have moved out of his class over the course of the last few months.  He was so brokenhearted and missing his friends.  It was all I could do to not cry right along with him.

I scooped him up and hugged him tight.  When we prayed this morning before he got on the bus I made sure to include his friends he misses so much.  I truly hope he has a happy day with the friends he still has in his everyday life.

It All Began With A Light Fixture... (AKA: The Snowball Effect)

A couple of weeks ago, on a very ordinary Saturday morning, our little family of four set out on a "quick" run to Home Depot.  Our mission was to pick up two new dome lights for the boys rooms.  They both have cute table lamps, but cute doesn't necessarily emit sufficient light...and I was tired of feeling like I entered the shadows whenever I set foot in their rooms.  On the way there, Todd and I agreed that our bedroom could use more light as well, so we decided to look at lighting options for our room, too.  In five minutes flat we had chosen fixtures for the boys rooms, and saw a few options we liked for our room.  But just to be sure we were "covering our bases" we decided to head a few minutes farther down the road to Lowe's to check out their lighting department.  Lowe's had a completely different array of choices and, all of a sudden, our decision loomed much MUCH larger!  Fortuitously, we then remembered that there was a Lamps Plus closer to home and we certainly wouldn't be savvy shoppers unless we checked out their inventory, too!  We loaded the boys back up in the van and headed to the overkill that is Lamps Plus.  Too.  Many.  Choices.

Did we want a simple dome light?  A ceiling fan with lights?  A pendant?  And then Todd asked me the question I never thought I'd hear from his mouth..."What do you think about a chandelier?"  A chandelier?  Now you're speaking my language!  He was surprised that I was surprised by his suggestion of considering a chandelier!  Truthfully, I shouldn't have been surprised because we watch enough Divine Design With Candace Olson to know that we both appreciate the look of a chandelier...in the right space.  But could our bedroom be "the right space?"  Just maybe...

When my eyes fell upon the chandelier we ended up purchasing, I knew we had come across "the one."  It was hip, a little bit edgy, but girly and glam enough to make my heart swoon.  Todd spends lots of time in high-end posh hotels and comes home to tell me about them.  This piece looked like it would be at home in a Four Seasons or up at The Nines.  We decided it would make its home in our bedroom as well.

So we got the beauty home and installed in a few hours time and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over it, happy.  But then the rest of our bedroom looked a little "shabby," but not in a shabby-chic way.  I rummaged through our linen closet and pulled out some curtains we had hung in our last place.  We hung them up in our bedroom and liked what we saw.  But our bedroom doesn't have just one window, it has three, and the other two windows looked neglected.  Off to Bed Bath and Beyond we went, hoping to find the exact same curtains that we had just hung.  We did find those silk curtains, but we didn't remember the steeper-than-we-wanted-to-pay price, so we opted for a sheer version instead.  We got home, hung the new sheers on glitzy new hardware, and then realized that the bedside lamps we had didn't complement the ethereal / romantic / glam look we were creating.

A trip to Home Depot later, we came home with two new lamps.  I knew I didn't like the shades from the get-go, but the lamps were on clearance so we snatched them up and opted to replace the shades with something else.  Lamps Plus to the rescue!  Now I was grateful for the too. many. choices.

As for the rest of our room?  We bought our bedroom suite about four years ago and I love it now just as much as the day we bought it.  (Todd says that's a good thing because we are both going to die in that bed!  Quality furniture is not cheap, people!  And then Thomasville had the audacity to discontinue the line despite the fact we hadn't purchased the armoire yet!  We were going to...when it went on massive sale!  And now it won't ever be on sale because it no longer exists!  Humph!  Someday I'll need to look for it on ebay.  *Sigh!*)  Anywho, I had the accessories here and there around the house, so with a little re-purposing and re-arranging we now have a bedroom we both adore.  Without further ado, our new bedroom...

The glitz and glam that started it all!

We did not paint.  The wall colors were chosen by the owner...but we sort of like them!

The feathers are cranberry colored, like the wall.  We had to bring in that color somehow!

So what do you think?

A Little Of This, A Little Of That

I've been a slacker blogger this month, so I will update quickly and succinctly for your reading benefit:

• Soren started therapy a couple of weeks ago and is doing well.  He's excited to go and happy when he's there.  He doesn't like to be contained in a chair for circle time or snack, but luckily those two components are short.  I've also been working with him at home. I wish I could be more intensive with him but life goes on around us and there's only so much I can do.  We're all trying, though.
• Right before Christmas Todd was diagnosed with diabetes so our lifestyle has changed dramatically in the past month.  We are both exercising a minimum of 5 times a week, eating much healthier than we ever were, and we are both losing weight.  We have been in dire need of a change for awhile.  Diabetes is the kick in the pants we needed, and Todd and I agree that this disease is really a blessing in disguise.
• Nolan is in the process of being re-assessed at school.  I'm thrilled that he's making progress but I'm very hesitant to move him to a less restrictive program because he's doing so well where he's at.  He also has gained a lot of vocabulary in the past few months, but much of it is used in an improper context.  This alone makes me think he should stay put...but I suppose there's nothing to discuss with the team until the assessment is complete.
• Both the boys have been sick this last week.  Nolan's back at school although he's still coughing, and Soren is a snotty coughing mess.  When will cold season be over?
• We were supposed to go to Tahoe this weekend but Todd's meetings are on hold so we're staying home. I'm really bummed we aren't going because Nolan has been talking about playing in the snow forever, but since the boys are not quite well I will consider this yet another blessing in disguise.

Later, Gators.

IEPs, IFSPs And Then Some

For some reason the formatting of this post is really screwed up and it won't publish paragraph breaks.  To make it easier to read, I'm changing the color where a new paragraph should begin.  Sorry it's not very easy on the eyes.

Right before Christmas vacation Todd and I attended Nolan's annual IEP meeting.  For those of you not schooled in special ed lingo, an IEP meeting is an annual meeting of parents and a broad team of special educators to 1) discuss goals a student has met (or not met) in the last year, and 2) discuss goals for the next year.  Many parents dread this annual meeting but Todd and I had no cause for apprehension because we knew that Nolan was indeed meeting his goals and had made amazing progress over the course of the last year.  Our meeting with Nolan's teachers and therapists was fantastic and we learned that he had met all of his goals except for two (and those were at a 70%.)  His language and social skills have improved wonderfully, as well as many of his pre-academic skills.  The areas where he fell short were motor related, which was no surprise considering that he's basically a klutzy kid (which is due to the fact that he has my genes.)  Nolan has been doing so well, in fact, that the team asked for permission to re-assess him this month and possibly change his plan for services.  In other words, if he passes the assessments, he would "graduate" to a less intensive program!  We are so proud of him and look forward to hearing the results of the assessment in the next few weeks.  And then there's little Soren...  Much like Nolan was as a toddler, Soren is one of the sweetest, most affectionate, truly happy babies ever.  His cuteness and precious joyful spirit can make you not notice that something is amiss.  At his year check-up I mentioned to the pediatrician that he was not waving, pointing, clapping or speaking any intelligible words.  Neither of us were too concerned because babies develop at different rates and he wasn't showing any huge lapses.  But then, at his 15 month appointment, we agreed that he should be evaluated for delays because nothing had really changed in three months.  She recommended we schedule an assessment with the team of developmental psychologists at nearby Stanford University.  I got on the phone that afternoon and started the intake process.  Considering that Stanford has one of the most prestigious Children's Hospitals in the world I wasn't suprised to hear that our appointment wouldn't be until March 1.  In the meantime I didn't think it was wise to wait, so I contacted our school district's Infant and Toddler Program.  They got us in for an assessment almost immediately and today we had Soren's IFSP meeting to go over the results of the assessment and to make a plan to facilitate his progress.  An IFSP is basically the same type of plan as an IEP except it is family oriented.  We were not surprised that Soren's expressive and receptive language skills lie between a 6 month and 12 month level and that his motor development varies between 12 and 15 months.  With such significant delays, he will begin a "parent and me" therapy based class next week just for children his age and with similar delays.  Soren and I will go to "school" for two 90 minute sessions per week that include ST, OT and PT.  When we visited the classroom today after our IFSP meeting he immediately lit up when he saw all the fun things to play with.  Hopefully this will be the jumpstart he needs to make progress!  Todd and I are so grateful for the amazing school district we are a part of and the first-rate assistance our boys are receiving.  It is abundantly clear to me that God moved us up here to the Bay Area so our kids would get exactly this help.  We have been so very happy with our district's preschool special ed programs and are so blessed to be here for such a time as this.  Needless to say, 2011 has started off on a really good foot for our kiddoes.  Lots of change is in store for them, but it's all so positive!  As for Todd and me?  Major changes have smacked us in the face recently, too.  But that's a whole other post for another time...