No, not for Nolan. He’s still the “model child” I don’t deserve. I am in need of discipline. Desperately.
Truthfully, I am dumbfounded as to how I ended up this way. In high school and college I was the poster child for the well disciplined life. I got out of bed early, was always on time for class, was impeccably dressed and coiffed, studied hard and did well in all of my courses, responsibly held down a job, had quality daily time with God… In other words, I maintained the perfect balance between school, work, church and relationships. Somehow I “did it all” by the grace of God and my trusty daytimer. Life was scheduled to the half hour. I took great pride in my accomplishments and the well balanced life I led.
In Seminary I “let myself go” to a degree because I realized I didn’t really know who I was apart from being the well-organized person who would always make sure everything was checked off of her list. Everything I put my mind to ended in success…until I realized that I was out of touch with my own emotions. As long as I accomplished my tasks I was “happy,” but I never let myself feel what was truly down deep in my soul. I naively wore rose-colored glasses for many years, and in Seminary God yanked those stupid glasses from my face and I came to grips with who I really am in Christ. Jesus taught me that I didn’t have to be so structured, perfectionistic and critical of myself because I had freedom in Him. My daytimer was still my constant companion, but I was no longer a slave to it.
When I joined the “real world” of full-time employment my personal discipline efforts skyrocketed. There was no way I would ever do well in the work world without a plan…and I most certainly had one! A great one! One that made me assume that I couldn’t function without a plan, ever, in any area of my life. Soon, Todd and I planned to marry. Then we planned to start a family. Plans take discipline if they are to be successful plans, and who doesn’t want success?
Herein lies the problem. I have wonderful plans and dreams for my family life, ministry, relationships in general…but little, if any, discipline to see those plans come to fruition. Since becoming a mother I have become lazy to an extreme that I didn’t believe possible for me. I am very “out of character” at this point in my life and I am having trouble finding myself in the midst of my funk. I never thought I would not shower daily. I never thought I’d be nonplussed by running errands in ratty sweats and a baseball cap with no makeup on. I never thought I’d “allow myself” to be 22 pounds heavier than I was on my wedding day. I never thought I’d allow my child to watch the amount of TV he does. I never thought I’d feed my family Kraft macaroni and cheese on a regular basis. I never thought I’d be an internet junkie. I never thought that I would not be actively involved in ministry. I never thought that a rich, daily quiet time with God would turn into a glib, almost obligatory prayer every now and then. I never thought I would be a “run of the mill” wife and mother. I am all of these things and then some…simply because I have not been disciplined to be more than I am right now.
Life demands effort and I confess that my efforts to live it well have dwindled over the years. I know that simply having a plan doesn’t mean that I’ll reach my goals…I have to work for them and not let life pass me by. I have no desire to be “Mrs. Perfect” anymore because God has set me free from that illusion and I know full well that perfection is unattainable. I simply want to be a good steward of my life and live it to the glory of God. Right now at this juncture, I truly don’t think I’d hear Jesus say “Well done, good and faithful servant!” and this breaks my heart. He desires more of me. He deserves more from me. And I want to give it to Him, myself, and my loved ones.
I don’t expect to wake up tomorrow morning completely changed simply because I’ve confessed to my many weaknesses. God could miraculously change me if He wanted to, but more often than not He guides and walks alongside us humans as we are in the process of change. Change demands work and work demands discipline. So I will pursue change. I will seek out discipline. I will celebrate the “little victories” and refuse to give up when I am faced with the dreaded “one step forward, two steps back.” I know what it is to live an abundant life. I’ve “been there, done that” and I desperately want to do it again through the partnership of my will and God’s strength.
3 comments:
i understand your funk. i cant shake it. hang in there, the power of prayer is amazing!
I resonate with what you said on many levels! But I do have to say that I know for certain you are NOT a run-of-the-mill wife and mother, although I know how some days it can feel that way! Motherhood is so demanding emotionally, it is a constant battle to balance between cutting ourselves slack and finding more discipline.
This morning it was cool outside and I was missing our walks (in our sweats and hats like you were talking about!) :-)
Charla, such honesty... I think any mother can relate. You are a wonderful mother, and from what I see, you give Nolan amazing experiences and have created a beautiful loving home for your family. Motherhood is the hardest thing, both amplifying and changing who we are and what's truly important. It's a different kind of balance, isn't it? Going from the working world, to being a stay at home mom. Such an underestimated, undervalued, and critical job. And as a stay at home mother, it can also be quite disorienting at times as our children go through different stages if you are used to a scheduled life. I know for me, this has been my biggest struggle. I've always worked-worked-worked even after Kevin was born, but it became too much. So then when I shut down my business to focus my attention and efforts on mothering Kevin and just being a homemaker, I felt lost/isolated in the diapers, toddler activities, PBS shows, and domestic duties...
Take heart. Be still. Remember Philippians 4:6-7...
Don't be too hard on yourself. You don't have to be perfect, but we can always seek guidance for a better balance. It will come.
Gena
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