First Day Of Preschool

“For all we have been through, there is so little I know for certain except maybe this: Motherhood is about raising—and celebrating—the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, he might just be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.” ~ Joan Ryan, "The Water Giver"

Oh how I have needed to hear these words! God knew that I would especially need them last night as I prepared for Nolan’s first day of school. The physical preparations were all too easy—pack his lunch, prepare his bag, make sure his clothes were ready—but the mental and emotional preparations were much more difficult. I am still struggling with them in gargantuan ways today. I never dreamed I’d have a child with “special needs” who would attend school full time at the tender age of three in order to “heal.” Nolan was born wonderfully healthy and hit his early milestones on time and has never had more than a cold or mild stomach bug in his life. How, then, did he come to demonstrate characteristics of autism? As much as I know deep down in my heart that nothing Todd or I did or didn’t do “caused” his autistic behavior, there’s no way to shut off my brain that is “guilted” otherwise. Could we have done things differently? Of course! Would it have made a difference in who Nolan is today? No one but God can say.

God knew about Nolan’s issues long before he was even conceived. God also ordained that Nolan would be born into our family because that is the best place for him. I take comfort in knowing God’s plan is perfect, but struggle to make sense of it all. Are we doing all we can to help him? What more, if anything, can we do to help him achieve? Is he going to struggle for the rest of his life? What can we expect in the future? There are so many unknowns and no concrete answers. I truly feel as though I am on a completely different faith walk than I’ve ever been on before.

Over the course of the last couple of months I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on that is autism related. There is so much information out there…some that contradicts itself, some that seems far-fetched, some that appears legitimate, and some that is just downright terrifying. I am weeding through it and have come to a few promising conclusions about our little boy so far:

1) Nolan is most definitely mild in comparison to many other autistic children. We are grateful that he does not suffer from any of the bio-physical affects of autism—no repetitive illnesses, no seizures, no digestive problems, no allergies. I had no idea that autism can have so many physical manifestations until my recent research. We definitely are blessed with a healthy child.

2) Although Nolan has significant communication lapses, he can communicate. Many autistic children appear to be deaf mute. They are truly in their own little worlds. Nolan is present in every way, and again we are grateful.

3) Nolan craves social interaction but has a difficult time in groups. He talks about other people constantly but doesn’t exactly know how to conduct himself in social situations. He truly loves people but doesn’t quite know how to appropriately express it. However, one on one he is engaged and affectionate. We love our cuddly, snuggly little boy to pieces.

I have no idea who Joan Ryan is, or what "The Water Giver" is about. I suppose Google can help me with that one. But I do know that God placed her words in my life last night when I desperately needed to hear them. That’s just the way God is. His timing and His plan are perfect. For me and for my son.

Our happy boy on the first day of preschool