I'm A Really Good Worrier

Really, what mother isn't?  It's in a momma's blood to take care of her kids...and one of the ways I think I'm taking care of them is by keeping them at the forefront of my mind, usually in the form of worrying.  But worry does no good.  It's pointless, wasted energy unless it's the avenue that leads me to prayer.  Sometime it is...and then I can see its substance.  You know, a ways to a means.  But most of the time, well probably 95% of the time if I'm being truly honest, it's not.  Worry is just there robbing the day of day and the night of night.

I have always been a terrible sleeper, pretty much from the womb, but in times of worry and stress sleep is more than illusive, it's sometimes non-existent.  Such was the case last week as Nolan went through yet another round of assessments.

In my sleeplessness I worried about his current and future friendships, his speech, his fine and gross motor skills, the things he perseverates on (autism speak for the things he obsesses over), his lack of independence, his diet, his understanding of Jesus, his future career, his stimming, his eye contact, his stubbornness, his role as big brother to Soren and most of all his Kindergarten placement.

He's heading into Kindergarten this fall and there's a good chance that he may be mainstreamed...which scares the living daylights out of me.  I know it would be good for him and I know he won't be mainstreamed unless he's completely ready...but he's showing signs of readiness in the school's eyes that I am terrified of.  I do want him to rise to the occasion and show us what he's capable of, but I also want him to be protected from what could potentially be incredibly difficult.  In Special Ed he has a fabulous team of advocates and I worry that he will fall into the shuffle and lose his cheering squad if he is mainstreamed.  Clearly, he won't be mainstreamed without Todd's and my approval...and clearly, the issue is not that black and white.  I just want him to be successful wherever he is placed.  Challenged, yes.  Defeated, no.

Nolan has made some amazing progress in the last few months and we are so proud of his development.  For years he fought any sort of coloring, writing, or other similar fine motor actions because they were  uncomfortable and sometimes downright agonizing for him.  Just a month or so ago he started making visible progress in this area...and then last week--smack dab in the midst of my worry--he did this for the very first time:

I wish I could say that my worry was magically whisked away.  It wasn't...but it was lessened.  I saw my precious little boy in a whole new light. 

A victor in the face of challenge.

Able.

Determined.

Proud of himself.

He's gonna be fine whether I worry or not.