Down The Road

When we first began our journey with autism we just wanted to get by, day by day and sometimes hour by hour. What began as a speech and language evaluation soon became a series of evaluations and questionnaires that were so detailed that I was overwhelmed by both their number and complexity. Then Nolan started school and I felt like I could finally exhale because we were on the right track to helping our son. I was able to let some of the tension fade away now that we were being proactive. We were doing what good parents do! We were doing right by our son! Exhale. Inhale. Repeat.

We have seen wonderful progress with Nolan in the almost four months that he's been in school. His vocabulary and overall communication have improved, he's not as fixated on certain objects, he's socializing more with other children, he sings, and he plays with more purpose. We are grateful for the help he is receiving and for the love that his teachers have for him.

When we met with the Evaluation Team to go over the specifics of Nolan's IEP, Todd and I came away from the meeting with great hope that early intervention would "cure" Nolan. In speaking with the Evaluation Team we agreed that our common goal is to have Nolan mainstreamed when he enters Kindergarten in the fall of 2012. Maybe I was naive, or in denial, or both, but until just recently I had this crazy notion that the autism chapter of our life would simply close at that point. I had not dared to look farther down the road than Kindergarten. Mainstreaming in 2012 was the goal, I didn't question the fact that we would meet it, and then everything would miraculously be OK and we could all go on our merry way, no worse for the wear.

Grappling with the reality that Nolan will most likely always be "different" has become so much more difficult for me than I ever imagined. As a teacher, I was ever the cheerleader for the kids who were just a tad bit different from the rest. I celebrated their uniqueness and encouraged them in it. But now that it's my little boy who stays to himself at birthday parties, and my little boy who doesn't know how to play pirates or cowboys with his peers, and my little boy who hides in the corner in a loud room my heart has shattered into a million little pieces. I want to scoop up those little pieces and meticulously put them back together so my heart can be whole again. But just like a shattered and mended glass can never be perfectly water-tight, I question whether or not my heart can ever been whole again. Repaired rarely equals good as new.

Talking with other parents of autistic kids can be both comforting and disheartening. Only another parent of a child with a disabilty can truly understand the elation you feel when your child reaches a goal. It's a blessing to celebrate together and to encourage our kids and each other along this journey. And then we grieve together over "what might have been" and what our children will very likely miss in life because of their difference. Will our children be accepted and befriended by neurotypical kids or will they always be the odd one out? What does the future hold? What will we encounter down the road?

Despite my fear and sense of loss I know the future is not bleak. I know that Nolan will continue to progress and to heal. I know that God has a wonderful plan for his life. I know that my heart will bear scars but that it will be full of gratitude for what God will do. I just wonder what we will encounter down the road and how rough the journey will be.

Favorite Things, Part....Who's Counting?

My little Soren is a love and a half these days. He is just too much fun and full of energy and smiles. At eight months, here are a few of my favorite things about this little sweetheart...

• He's called me "Mama!' twice this week. Be still my beating heart!


• How he lifts his arms up high for me to pick him up.


• How he flaps his arms just like a baby bird when he's excited about something.


• How his feet start dancing when he sees the bath water waiting for him.


• How he loves to wrestle with Nolan.


• His gummy grin and twisty tongue.


• How he looks for me when I'm out of his sight and how he lights up with giggles when he finds me.

Soren-A-Rooney, Mama loves you so! I could just eat you up!

My Bucket List

In my "old age" I've been thinking more and more about tangible things I'd like to accomplish in my life. There are many things I'd like to witness that are out of my control (such as see my children marry and live a long and healthy life with Todd,) but here are a few things that I hope to accomplish on my own accord before I kick the proverbial bucket.

• Visit all the US National Parks
• Be part of a delivery team for Operation Christmas Child
• Join a community theater group
• Get over my fear of water and learn to swim
• Go on an Alaskan cruise
• Visit all 50 states
• Travel extensively throughout Europe
• Own a home
• Own a horse
• Learn to garden
• Plan and host a family reunion for my extended family
• See U2 in concert
• Learn to sew
• Try snowboarding
• Host a foreign exchnage student
• Run a 10K

I'm sure more things will come to me in time. But for now I want to know what's on YOUR Bucket List?

Another Rainy Day...

Time to play, play, play!

Baby In The Bath...Is There Anything Cuter?

Soren was NOT a fan of bathtime until he could sit up unassisted. Before he was able to sit up on his own bath time was pure torture for him. He'd start to whine and cry before his little feet even hit the water. Once in, his cries would steadily crescendo...culminating in a "Mommy, you're killing me!" wail when his hair was washed. Bath angst + unfortunate case of eczema = twice weekly bath times.

Now that he's sitting up all by himself bath time is pure joy for our little guy. He gets excited when I start to fill up the sink and once his little tushie hits the water he's in liquid heaven. He splashes and kicks and moves his toys around and even puts his hands under the running water. It's too stinkin' cute!

The tables have turned. Now when I take him OUT of the bath the wailing begins. If only his eczema would clear up I'd indulge his newfound love for bathtime more often. At any rate, I am anxious to take him in the pool this summer. I think it will blow his mind!

Just My Opinion

Quite a few people have asked about my thoughts on vaccines and autism since we are now on our own autism journey. Clearly, nothing about autism is black and white since there is no proven cause or a cure. The questions are many and the answers are few, but here are my thoughts on the matter thus far...

To be brutally honest, I don't believe that vaccines CAUSE autism, but I do believe that for SOME CHILDREN who may have compromised immune systems vaxes could feasibly trigger autistic characteristics. Nolan is fully immunized, basically on time, with the exception of the MMR. He received the MMR at 2.5, not for fear of autism, but because the brain is over 90% developed by then and I concluded, after much research, that waiting on this especially controversial, somewhat "suspect" immunization would be safer. Nolan also received his chicken pox vax late, at age 3, just prior to starting preschool. Soren has been fully vaxed so far and I will continue to have him immunized but will delay the MMR and chicken pox vaccines until 2.5 and 3 years, respectively. My boys do not receive more than two vaccines at a time and have had little or no adverse reaction to any of them.

I do not believe that vaxing OR NOT vaxing Nolan would have caused or prevented his autism. We don't know why he has it, but we thank God every day that it is mild, that it is being treated, and that we are seeing amazing progress already due to his special therapy based school. With that being said, Nolan is physically healthy in every other way...no allergies, digestive issues etc. that frequently plague autistic children. We KNOW our burden could be much heavier than it is. We are thankful for God's grace that makes our burden light.

I've learned that Soren has a higher probability of being autistic because 1) he is a boy (1 in 70 boys are now autistic) and 2) his brother has autism so if there is a genetic link he is more prone to it. Yet, I choose not to live in fear and simply trust God for my children's well-being. My boys will not die from autism. Their quality of life may be compromised, but with early intervention there is GREAT HOPE for recovery. Autism is not the "death sentence" that so many people fear. It does not automatically condemn a person to life inside an institution as it did 30 years ago. In my opinion, autism is no more than a terribly sad manifestation of just ONE OF A MILLION THINGS that could go wrong in our bodies. Todd and I agree that we'd rather our children be autistic and alive than die from a disease that could literally kill them, should we chosse to not vaccinate them. This is why we choose to immunize our boys and PRAY over every choice we make as their parents.

Although I am "pro-vax," I can certainly understand parents who choose not to immunize their children. It is a parent's choice and I can only hope and pray that every parent has done their own research and drawn their own conclusions about whether or not to immunize their children. Autism and vaccines is a "hot button" in our culture and I've witnessed it divide friendships. Of course I hope that other parents share my opinion so as to keep the "herd immunity" we need to be fully protected, but if a parent chooses to "go against the herd" that is their prerogative. I won't lambast someone who has done the research and made an informed choice, although I WILL give someone grief for simply living in fear and doing nothing other than swallowing someone else's opinion while not taking the time to thoughtfully develop thier own.

In the end, no parent wishes autism or any other misfortune on their child. It would be such a blessing if we all worked together for the common goal of ending autism, regardless of the vaccine debate.

Soren At Six Months

Happy Half Birthday, Sweet Boy!

We love you to the moon and back!

Little Soren-A-Rooney turned six months old on January 30. I can't believe a half year has gone by so quickly. Yesterday at his 6 month checkup he weighed 17 pounds 4 ounces and was 26 and a half inches long. He is "average" in that both of these measurements are in the 50th percentile. He seems so big to me, so I have to wonder who these HUGE babies are that are bigger than him!

At six months old Soren is a rolling machine. He gets where he wants to go with ease! He wants to crawl so badly but can't get his body to progress from "scoot" to "crawl." Soon enough! He giggles and smiles a ton and makes the funniest noises. His high pitched "whee" is one of my favorite sounds he makes when he's extra excited. He also loves to blow raspberries and gives wet, gloppy kisses. He loves to touch people's faces and pull them close. It's adorable, if I do say so myself! Soren can't quite sit up unassisted but I know that day will be here soon. He's definitely a "weeble-wobble."

Soren loves his exersaucer and jumparoo and could spend hours in them every day if it were up to him. He's pretty much "over" the swing and starts to fuss when he's contained. Like his big brother he is a good traveler and doesn't mind the carseat or being in the car (when it's moving.) He tried rice cereal for the first time today and he wasn't a fan. We'll give it whirl again tomorrow and see if a day makes a difference!

My poor baby has the wackiest hair. Nolan sported the mohawk at this age and Soren's got the Donald Trump comb-over down to a science. The sides and back all fell out but the top remained. Luckily we're seeing wisps of new hair coming in so hopefully he'll have a "normal" 'do soon! He has no teeth yet but I'm not expecting any anytime soon. Appparently, siblings follow similar teething patterns and since Nolan didn't get his first pearly white til 16 and a half months (yes, you read that correctly!) I think Soren will have a gummy grin for a while longer.

We love our Meatball more every day and are so grateful God has entrusted him to us.

Lament To Babies R Us

While Target may indeed be my favorite store, Babies R Us is most certainly not. Here's why:

• Lousy customer sevice. Many of their employees seem to be 14 year old boys who have no idea what you're talking about. When you ask a simple question such as "Where are the Boppys?" they will inevitaby lead you to the Baby Bjorns.
• Lines as long as The Great Wall of China. And only two of the six registers promise to be in proper working condition at any given time.
• Return policy? What's that?
• Their clothing merchandise is always a season or two ahead. Who needs a bathingsuit in January or a snow bunting in July?
• And the kicker...I once heard one of their employees complaining to another employee that "That woman better shut her kid up (not in reference to one of my boys) or I'm gonna do it for her!" Seriously. No lie. Um, you work at a baby store. Babies cry! Deal with it or get another job.

End tirade.

Just Made These...

You should too! They're delish and a healthier alternative to traditional chocolate chip cookies!

Banana Chocolate Chip Pecan Cookies

1/2 c. unsalted butter at room temperature
1 c. sugar
1 egg at room temperature
1 c. mashed bananas (about 2 1/2 large bananas)
1 t. baking soda
2 c. flour
pinch of salt
1/2 t. cinnamon
1/2 t. mace
3/4 c. pecans
1/2 c. chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350. Cream butter and sugar in mixer til light and fluffy. Add egg and beat til fluffy. In a bowl, mix the mashed bananas with the baking soda. Let stand for 2 minutes. (The baking soda reacts with the bananas to make the cookies light and fluffy.) Combine the banana mixture into the butter mixture. Mix together the flour, salt and spices. Sift into the butter and banana mixture til just combined. Add pecans and chocolate chips. Drop onto lightly greased cookie sheet. Bake 11-13 minutes til golden brown. Cool on wire racks. Makes about 30 cookies.

Ode To Target

How do I love thee, Target? Let me count the ways...

1) You have practically everything I need in one place...for cheap. You stock my pantry, my wardrobe, my children's toy bins...for cheap.
2) You have everything I don't need (but want) in one place...for cheap.
3) You have dollar bins with wonderful treasures that make my three year old son (and his mommy) giddily happy.
4) You have sales, frequently.
5) You have Starbucks.
6) You have proficient customer service.
7) You are located just about everywhere. I love that I can turn around and find you.
8) You provide a meeting place for friends. I always run in to someone I know when I am perusing your aisles.
9) You take my money but leave me with a sense of "money well spent."
10) You just may be my "happy place."